A Word To My Reader
I am not a perfect voice calling out in the dark, but a broken voice calling out in the dark. I have not said anything perfectly, nor have I ever touched on perfection flawlessly. Every element I speak on found here will fall short on every degree because of the breadth and width of which the topic expands (both logically and emotionally). In fact the only thing I can come closest to in explaining perfectly would be my brokenness, because that, I know better than perfection. I can only try to speak about the glimpses of perfection I have seen in my life. Please bear that in mind as you read. I hope that these compositions can bring further light to the honest depths and heights that life teaches us about ourselves, the world around us, and the starter of this all, God.
As Phillip Lopate says, in reading this you will learn more about my “habits of thought” than the activities that actually make up my day to day. I do not assume that most will want to read any of this, but for the one who is feeling lost or confused, for the one who is trying to find reason to keep living, for the one who is fighting against himself, others, or his God, and desiring to better understand why, I hope these pieces of writing might be a friend to you. I hope they push you to press on, to appreciate living (and working), to appreciate the smallest of moments with a family member, close friend, or stranger. I hope they move you to explore and imagine, to find the “why” behind anything, and to trust that though we have a finite understanding, the One who is infinite has been made accessible to mankind. Mankind meaning you and me, and there is no small amount of peace to be found in that truth.
P.S. I attached a song to the bottom of each composition to accompany its reading. Enjoy!
Grocery Store Man
(December 31,2021)
I first noticed your energy and spirit. You were a personable human, no doubt. Asking me about my day, smiling during the whole bit. And when I asked if your grocery-store-day was busy, you raised your eyebrows, and then your eyes, and dared me to look into them and judge what I thought based on how crazed they were. We both laughed, and you carried on with your bagging.
You had pink hair, and when I looked into your eyes, I noticed your eyebrows were shaved a bit back and purposely thinned out and plucked in odd places. I wondered if it was style that made you take that choice, a desire to be different, or maybe it was nervous habit, or a moment of panic that you had the night before when you were alone. I did not know. But it made me care about you all the more.
We all are alone at times. It’s never an if but a when. And I wondered who you were when you were alone. Were you as spirited and enthusiastic? Or were you lonely, scared, sad? We put on fronts with people, but we all look quite the same when we’re by ourselves and quiet. When it’s just us and our thoughts.
Whoever you are, grocery store man, I wondered who you were when no one was watching, when you weren’t commenting on my nail polish and putting on an energetic show of care and interest. Know that I am quite similar to you when I’m all alone, though we might seem quite different at a party. You silently making a meal, sitting on your bed, watching your favorite show at night, reading a book, scrolling on your phone, doesn’t look much different from me when I’m silently making a meal, sitting on my bed, watching my favorite show, reading a book, and scrolling on my phone.
Know that though you may be alone at times, you have a person or two thinking about you when you’re alone, so you’re not quite alone after all, are you? And I guess I’m not either.
Love
(November 1, 2021)
I have come to realize that most terrible people are so because they have had little love shown to them in life, so they know not what it means to love. Either that, or if they were shown love, their heart was never made soft enough to receive it and let it change them. For it does take a bit of humility to accept real, honest love.
When you let love in, it will break your heart. It will find every crack in that hard, calloused rock and seep in. And from the inside out, it will tear open the stone and pull it apart piece by piece.
But then, it will reclothe the naked, crying thing, with a thick and comforting blanket full of protection, made with wrapped presents, warm drinks, and a fireplace in a hospitable home. And your heart feels seen for once.
And once you have experienced this, you cannot help but hope to be that love-breaking, love-ripping, love-changing thing in someone else’s life.