A Word To My Reader
I am not a perfect voice calling out in the dark, but a broken voice calling out in the dark. I have not said anything perfectly, nor have I ever touched on perfection flawlessly. Every element I speak on found here will fall short on every degree because of the breadth and width of which the topic expands (both logically and emotionally). In fact the only thing I can come closest to in explaining perfectly would be my brokenness, because that, I know better than perfection. I can only try to speak about the glimpses of perfection I have seen in my life. Please bear that in mind as you read. I hope that these compositions can bring further light to the honest depths and heights that life teaches us about ourselves, the world around us, and the starter of this all, God.
As Phillip Lopate says, in reading this you will learn more about my “habits of thought” than the activities that actually make up my day to day. I do not assume that most will want to read any of this, but for the one who is feeling lost or confused, for the one who is trying to find reason to keep living, for the one who is fighting against himself, others, or his God, and desiring to better understand why, I hope these pieces of writing might be a friend to you. I hope they push you to press on, to appreciate living (and working), to appreciate the smallest of moments with a family member, close friend, or stranger. I hope they move you to explore and imagine, to find the “why” behind anything, and to trust that though we have a finite understanding, the One who is infinite has been made accessible to mankind. Mankind meaning you and me, and there is no small amount of peace to be found in that truth.
P.S. I attached a song to the bottom of each composition to accompany its reading. Enjoy!
A Gloom I Can’t Defeat
(Started: December 31, 2019 | Finished: September 03, 2022)
I want to be hopeful
Not dogmatic or sad
So tired of being tired
I want rest at last
Each moment of joy
Seems threaded with pain
I just want the laughter
Without a blemish of shame
Each time I conquer it
It seems to come back
I could be peaceful
But then I hear it laugh
Won’t this cloud of heaviness
Relent or go away
‘Cause no matter where I run
It’s still biting at my legs
It’s a weight I can’t wrestle
And a gloom I can’t defeat
But then light tears the curtain
And love again speaks
I guess You heard me calling
When I was wailing in my car
Gave me purpose for living
Eyes to find light in the dark
Things, again given meaning
No longer objects of scorn
A gift to just be breathing
Thinking began to reform
Life became less about doing
More about looking around
Each piece was undeserved
Down to my next heart pound
There’s always hope to be had
No matter what future brews
‘Cause the future has purpose
It’s never absent of You
Till My Hope Is Sparked
Ukraine 2022 (February 26, 2022)
Though my eyes will close
When I think of pain
When I hear the news
Of violent way
Though my fear grows strong
And my heart gives way
At final moment
Will confidence fade?
The tears that run
As loved ones part
To see them again
Not known in heart
Will you be my hope
Will you be my strength?
When soul feels alone
And suffers at length?
The power of iron
And the strength of steels
Hold no great power
To the One that heals
Though my heart doubts it
And my mind grows dark
I will shout these truths
Till my hope is sparked
A Small Breath released
Has power to take
A fortress to knees
And solve this at stake
For A Mighty Arm
And All-Present Stare
Can remove our harm
And restore what’s fair
He fights for what's good
And never backs down
He is not pressured
By pain or war’s sound
He, louder than booms
That ring in our ear
Yet still more gentle
Than a mother near
To Him, we belong
With eternal fame
Who has seen it all
Experienced each pain
Been broken and torn
He too knows it well
Yet maintained His good
Though pressures of hell
He is not heartless
His love is not cold
Let evils of men
Yet, make us be bold
He could have kept secret
His kindness and truth
But instead reveals
And love, He proves
Breaks not a promise
Supplies each our needs
He, our strong fortress
Conquest of good deeds
They may hurt and harm
But we, loved and kept
For goodness will win
Hope, not go unmet
The Third Time
(March 7, 2018)
It was the third time I answered, the same as before
Why must I repeat it twice and once more?
It may not be true, but it must be said
Otherwise, I too would be covered in red
For if I spoke right and told the truth
There would be more than just one, there would be two
But at the third time, the clock struck, and the bird sounded
My eyes widened, my heart pounded
I shifted my vision to look away from my lies
Grabbing at anything that would help me survive
But I knew exactly what He knew
And I did exactly what He said I would do
So like a baby, my eyes stumbled to His
(The very God-man Judas had deceitfully kissed)
And just as an archer, I would not miss
And so they wobbled to the only One who could comfort
The very same One I betrayed; the very One I hurt
And in that moment when our eyes touched, I lost my vision though I was not trying
For my eyes were filled with liquid, and I found that I was crying